The phases of dealing with a miserable situation are quite interesting.
Confusion, sorrow, anger, guilt, frustration, tiredness, etc… these are all emotions experienced.
Yet, at one point, a person can become so exhausted with their state of being that they begin to given, they begin to conform to that which had caused the ill situation.
Isn’t it interesting how we as humans can be so driven by our emotions? How the same situation, given under varying circumstances of emotions can yield completely different results. Or is it that at one point, every person gives in? Is that the nature of humans? Is that what makes us human? The threshold we posses that allows us a certain degree of pain or suffering. If so, the ought we not learn from this and implement in our future instances of tension? Or is that what makes us human? Our inability to tame our emotions and condition our mind and heart?
It might as well be a combination of all possibilities, after all humans are quite complex creatures, each varying in its own individualistic entity.
I don’t know
my heart beats faster
my pupils dilate
there’s a certain clarity
there’s a certain confusion
a sense of panic
a rush of emotions
weightlessness
heaviness
curiosity becomes want
want becomes need
mystery leads to yearning
anxiety leads to passion
lingering emotions
thrilling thoughts
all in a split second of setting eyes on you
(Source: omisaidit)
You can’t, so you don’t
You hold them in, you try to fight them, you try to suppress them
Slowly, inch by inch it begins to eat at you, it eats at all things, even at those who once thought they could be invincible, it begins to morph you into someone you never knew you could be, it changes your identity, it alters your personality, you gradually go through this agonizing process of change all because you are holding something in, but what else can you do?
You can’t let it out, you can’t let yourself be so vulnerable, you have to put up a front, no matter how fragile it may be.
You must not let the inner state of your being affect the veneer of your identity. You must live on, day by day, no matter how weak you may feel, no matter how difficult it becomes to hold up, you must go on.
There is no room for slipping, no room for surrender.
just fight on
(Source: omisaidit)
In the dark… we don’t have to talk, I just want someone to be there.
I’ve been so disconnected from people lately.
My friends have pretty much drifted away except for maybe 1 or 2, mostly due to my lack of contact.
There are certain things I can’t tell anyone, things I have to keep to myself.
The worst part is that sometimes even I don’t know why I feel so miserable.
It’s become more than a feeling, it’s a state of being that is independent of my control. It comes and goes as it pleases. This current installment has been the longest of all.
I don’t know what to do with myself anymore, I’m physically drained, I’ve lost literally all motivation. My dreams and goals used to work miracles, but now I just don’t care.
A year ago, I was a completely different person. I was at the highest point in my life. I was motivated, I had accomplished everything I could ever dream of. I was doing things that made me happy. I was making people proud. I was headed in the right direction, or so I thought. But now, that’s all changed, in only a matter of months.
When you’re confused and lost and don’t know what to do and the people closest to you turn their backs to you and you yourself are unsure of who you truly are and you are left in such a critical point in your life to rebound instantaneously with the least damage and carry on as if nothing has ever happened and you are forced to do extremely well in order to ensure your future’s success yet all you want to do is fall to pieces but you can’t you really can’t and if you do then you just are left there watching snippets of what could have become of you had you stayed strong, had you pushed away that which ate at your basal core but its too late, it’s already happened, that which should never have happened has happened you have fallen, you stagger and stumble and fight to stand up but your body gives in, you are emotionally, mentally, and physically in shambles, you try to put yourself together but you just can’t, you can’t, nothing can be done, nothing, you must wait and watch time play its game, let it straighten out the wrinkles you’ve created, you must be patient you must wait, you are in the eye of the storm, you must wait to see what damage has been done as the storm subsides and you hustle and rustle through the debris of your own life, you rummage through the scraps, the unrecognizable bits of all that you had worked so hard to build, but you realize that you must build from what you have, rebuild what you have lost and move forward from the damages, no shattered glass ever regains its original clarity but with careful and diligent hands even what seems to be a wreck can become the success you had always envisioned.
I just can’t. The thought of following a certain preordained path creates an aura of depression.
You created in me a place for yourself, a place that never existed before, a place that no other can fill- a void for eternity.
When I’m asleep, I don’t dream about success, goals, and ambitions- I do enough of that while I’m awake- rather I dream about failure, mistakes, and shortcomings; I dream about that which I fear most.
Is this a result of the fanciful living I engage in while I’m awake? Is this my call to reality, the grounding element of my life? Others live life in fear and dream of hope and success; I live life in a hopefully conjuring of reality and dream of every possible “worst case” scenario.
Is there an inherent balance? Is there a certain supernatural force that innately reals us to this equilibrium of hope and reality? Why can’t we live suspended in our own thoughts, free of structure, rules and regulations? Why is it impossible for us to escape sorrow? Is sorrow necessary for the creation of these zealous ambitions we have? Or are they mutually exclusive?
We may never find answers to these questions, so it is best to simply live on and let ourselves find meaning in our own individual lives. We differ vastly, but we have common experiences. Never underestimate the power of communality.
Never let your environment define who you are; seek individuality, search within you, find yourself in the depths of your mind and heart. At one point in your life, whether it be in your youth or on your death bed, you’ll realize who you are and what your purpose was for this life.
I’m sick and tired of trying.
Trying so hard for approval, trying so hard to get someone’s attention. Trying to be the one that everyone gets excited to see. Trying to be the one that gets noticed first. Trying to be the one everyone loves being around.
Yes, at one point I did have that. I experienced it, and that is exactly why I want it so bad. I know how good it feels to be at the center of a social circle. To be loved by everyone, to be everyone’s confidante. To have that sense of leverage.
Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t take advantage of it at all. In fact, I spent more time helping other people than spending time on myself, but I just loved it. I miss walking onto campus and having people call out to me with gleeful smiles. I miss that rush of walking through the door of a building and seeing friendly, familiar faces.
Basically, I miss my community college.
I know, I need to get over it. I need to move on, but USC is just not home for me. It’s a great school, but it’s not what I expected…at all.
Do I regret coming here? I’d like to say no, but a part of me is screaming yes.
This post went from one thing to another, but it basically outlines the origination of all my feelings. I haven’t been happy. I may just be wrongly correlating my unhappiness with the fact that I came to USC, but other stuff has happened in the past few months that has greatly affected me.
I just don’t know. And I don’t care to know. I just hope that this is a short-lived phase in my life. I gladly accept it for the growth and maturation potential that is associated with such experiences, but that is just positive thinking.
I rushed through my childhood, I thought I was mature, I thought I knew best, I was just naive. I should have listened to my brain. I followed my heart, I was blinded by it. It all just seems like a blur. I don’t even think I once sat down and listed the pros and cons. I was fazed by the gitz and glam of an honorable private institution and ignored a prestigious top ranked public university- UC Berkeley. I was wrongly influenced.
It’s a learning experience. I just need the support of my family, but I know that they will never understand my situation. They will never be able to give that genuine support that I oh so dearly yearn for. It’s something that I have yet to come to terms with, until then I’ll float in my melancholy dreariness.
The theories of biochemistry have taught me this much:
The enzyme binds to receptors on an organism. The catalytic receptors are created perfectly to only fit to that specific enzyme, the enzyme created solely for that receptor. The organism does not fully function without the presence of the enzyme. It fails if that enzyme is inhibited.
You were my enzyme, time has inhibited your effect on me.
(Source: omisaidit)
Just that one person whose side you never want to leave.
With them, nothing else matters.
The world around you ceases to exist and you enter a world of eternal euphoria
(Source: omisaidit)
